marți, 15 septembrie 2009

Meșterul Manole

Dear Mother,

I've started to be attracted by the articles posted here since last night and I have been telling to myself to write and ask questions! But it is very difficult for me to ask at least a question maybe because there too many of them. I've been born, I've been a child and now I am starting to remember the flowing pains and the passing joys. A quarter of century later it's the same, only at a greater intensity and deepness. I said to myself that people hurt me and therefore I wanted to understand them better! I started having problems and I've kept saying I would do something about it. It's like I'm living in a roller coaster with insane people and I am the main character. Sometimes it's rolling so fast that it throws me to the ground. Other times it stops and I remain suspended either under the earth, or in the air, or hanging by a thread ... and for a while nothing happens. I just want “simple” things: a family and to be able to enjoy life by using my gifts for me and for the others.( The gifts ... those gifts that I have, meaning what I am capable to do). But it is not simple at all!

I am between exhaustion and renouncement, between wander and despair, between silence and madness. I don’t see any other way but to keep searching, but this question is roaring out of me: for how long? Will my whole life be of wandering torments, disappointed joys or vain searches? I do not know how it is for others, but for me it has been a torment to get out of the house in my past half life.

It is difficult to meet people who can hurt me or to get in situations I can't get out of and later to realize what I was supposed to do. I really had to get out of the house. When I come back I hold a pillow in my arms and I don't dare to breathe not to “agitate” any unknown waters. Is this an endless and senseless fight? I hear or I read words that make sense to me, but not to the whole me. I learn lessons and I grow up. Sometimes I have to take an exam once or even a couple of times. I hate it when I take the same exam endlessly because a certain sense, a word or a glance were missing. It's an endless story for me, a story about me being alone and wandering in this world… about a pilgrim whose journey is not complete and got tired to reach the end of his trip even though there he can rest, be happy and enjoy life.This would mean for me to have a family and an orderly life. I also know that from there on it will be difficult, but the way I am now I would wander on the outside, on roads not to be taken, with the hope of arriving once and for all. I am telling myself today: be more loving! Something happens tomorrow and I realize I forgot to be loving with myself. Tomorrow I tell myself: “I'll be more careful about it”! The day after tomorrow I discover that I have given my blind trust to someone who doesn’t hesitate to hurt me without even to believe or to see this. Yes, I know the theory about: “I am responsible for my feelings” or the theory about “another one can not hurts you unless something inside...” etc. etc. IT DOESN’T HELP ME TO KNOW THOSE! My story is endless and it is about a lost child! How do I stop, my good Sister, this roller-coaster? How do I get off and go “home”? How do I find home? Is this what I have to do? How do I keep the right way when in my soul there are so many fears, thoughts or searches? Is there something wrong with me because I'm obsessed with marriage? Is it a mistake to believe that a family could mean “to be home”? How do the people hurt me so easily? Why do I let them hurt me after all these exams? Haven't I learned anything by now? There are too many words that are “buzzing” in my head and are “scratching” my soul. What I learned from books comes in contradiction with what I met in my real life. And if I am quiet... I hear nothing. I feel usually, in compensation, pain and despair. And I also feel and hear a silence that makes everything have sense, but it doesn’t make any sense for me to get involved in anything, not even to go to work or to do anything what I used to do. Then I start thinking:this actually is depression, I need to get out of it ... and so, again and again, the roller coaster rolls, I am the main character, and the story is not over! I don’t know if the best thing what I can do is to stop. Maybe this is actually the question: what and how do I have to do in this life ?... Yes, I think this is the question! I found your site, on a morning, when I searched on Google a question to God: "God, what am I going to do now?"

May God give you health!

"Master Manole" who still hopes for a word to make sense! …

Sister Siluana said:

Now, my Exhausted Child: "Stop and discover that I am God" and "Come to Me to give you rest!”

And me, the Sister on the internet, is asking you to come to have together the seminar of forgiveness because we will both discover another way to be, a different way from the one who got you in that roller coaster.

Come on, child, I was there and I know the way!

With love and trust,

M. Siluana

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